Becoming a dad

I’m currently sitting in my hotel room in Barbados rocking out to Grayson Capps, nursing a Banks beer, and musing on what it means to be a dad. I figure that the opportunity to sit down and write uninterrupted is a precious and rare thing now that Oscar has entered my life, and I want to capture some of the coolest stuff from his first 5 and a half weeks on planet earth. He has absolutely changed my life. There simply are not that many times in life that you get to fall completely head-over-heels in love. And meeting Oscar was one of those few precious moments for me. But I noticed it wasn’t just that way for me. Oscar managed to make my battle-hardened father cry, to turn my sister into a melting mess of adoration, and to get my mother-in-law to do something so silly as to eat Oscar’s little feet. And of course Andria is now a mom. Previously she was just the love of my life, and then the pregnant love of my life. But now she is definitely a mom too.

There is something simple and beautiful about spending time with my infant son. And there is something maddeningly complex. Whenever he melts down for seemingly no reason whatsoever, I like to remind myself – along with anyone else who will listen – that he is so new to this world. More than once, in imitation of my vision of what is going on in Oscar’s head while he is in melt-down, I have said “You people have no idea what this is like!!! I mean, this is like the third most painful experience of my entire life!” And of course at 27 days old, this is very possibly true.

But I also get to see Oscar completely melt into his mother’s arms in complete security and satisfaction. I get to see his eyes shoot wide open hearing me whistle and making a connection between my pursed lips and the noises he is hearing. I get to hear Oscar sniff deeply as we crumple up some garden-grown basil under his nose. He is experiencing all of these things for the first time. And he is a little data processor, taking it all in. 

There are so many things about these first five weeks of Oscar’s life that I find really fascinating and just simply love, and I want to record of few of them here for posterity.

• I like it when Oscar is in an alert state – big round eyes staring around at the most inconsequential, but clearly fascinating thing in a room.
• I like it when Andria stares at Oscar, clearly absorbed in love.
• I like it when Oscar doesn’t poop for like 41 hours and then takes a “top 5 poop” – the physical and mental relief is palpable.
• I like it when Oscar stops crying because I am singing for him…and I’m a pretty bad singer. But I did make up a song for him none-the-less.
• I like it when Oscar puts his hands out with no motor control – little arms shaking as he makes a little button mouth.   
• I like the special relationship my son has developed with his favorite animate/inanimate object – Mr. Fan.
• I like it when Oscar gets so upset that he inadvertently punches himself in the face and melts down even further (yes, I know I shouldn’t like this, but I do).
• I like knowing the difference between a cry that means “I hate stewing in my urine-soaked diaper” and a cry that means “I need to eat” and a cry that means “Show me something new and different or I’m gonna cry even more sucka!”
• I like to watch my son sleep, completely oblivious to the world around him and dreaming strange little baby dreams.

But I am also acutely aware that this time of Oscar’s life is limited. He is already changing. He just started smiling – for real smiling, not the fake little accidental smiles. That warms my heart. But I know one day he will run around on his two little feet and try to stick his finger in an electrical outlet. I know he likely will be embarrassed by the things I’ve chose to write down in this blog post. I know he will one day, just like I felt of my parents, be completely convinced that there is no way that Andria and I have anything but a platonic relationship. I mean that’s not what parents do – right? One day he will ask questions like “Why do people go to church daddy?” – one of Twila’s favorite examples.

So the time I have now is rare and precious…yet I am writing this blog post in Barbados, hundreds (I believe thousands) of miles from my family. But there is another part of me that has kicked in – the provider/protector. That part feels that a week spent in Barbados is a reasonable tradeoff to provide for my family. It is now my most important life task to keep Oscar and Andria safe and happy. I must keep them warm and fed and smiling. I must create adventures for us all to experience together. I must help Oscar explore his world and discover who he is. I am more interested in shopping for a tent to go family camping than in figuring out how to have some fun for the ½ day off I get in Dominica. Fatherhood is the most meaningful thing I have ever done. And I can’t wait to get back to my family and continue this adventure.